You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
