Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Randomize
