thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
