then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
