I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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