I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Your cock deserves a montage
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize