Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
