I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize