You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
