Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
