I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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