My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I didn't notice because vodka
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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