It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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