I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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