Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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