It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
