we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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