You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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