Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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