Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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