so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
