dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
We're too hungover to prance.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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