How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
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