Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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