nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I would fuck him just for his dog
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
