i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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