I want to walk on stilts...naked
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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