Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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