his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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