Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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