Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
