That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
