Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Someone signed my nipple.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
