I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
