I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
