i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
