I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
