I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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