I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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