So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
