At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
