Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
