Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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