we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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