its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize