Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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