I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
