did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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