On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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