just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
