Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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