So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
