seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
