I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
