I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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