Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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