got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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