I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
